Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Randomize
