My Higher Power is John Stamos
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
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