So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Randomize
