1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Randomize
