we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
