I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
