if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
