He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
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