he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
