dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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