I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
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