Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
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