god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize
