you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
