So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Randomize
