take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
