I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
