Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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