i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize