I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize