I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
