is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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