just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Randomize
