"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
