i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
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