I accidentally burped into my bong.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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