I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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