Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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