Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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