apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
