my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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