When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Randomize
