Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Randomize
