Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
