What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Randomize
