I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize