wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
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