If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
