What a fucking waste of an outfit
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
she told me i tasted like america
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Randomize
