So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
