We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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