i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
