We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
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