I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize
