I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I need a man. I think Im going to put myself on Craigs list since they caught the killer and all.
Do it and if you add naked pictures youll get an instant reply
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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