He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
We left the knife in your bed.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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