Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
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