So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
Randomize
