her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
I booty called her while she was in labor.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Randomize
