he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Randomize
