Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Randomize
