I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Randomize
