He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Randomize
