so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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