If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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