Cold hands, warm shart.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Randomize
