My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
