just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
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It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
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I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
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